What's the difference between people and oranges?

When I eat oranges, no one gets upset.

I like the things I say

'There's just something about him, I don't know what it is...He just, you know, makes me feel...like taking my clothes off.'

Christmas

So yah, christmas was pretty rad, got some cool stuff, for example: A FUCKING LIGHTSABER!!
*cough*
Yep, also, a book (Will Grayson, Will Grayson by John Green), clothes, candles, fairy lights, make up, money, chocolate, CSI kit (lol), itunes card and there's bound to be more...
Had a picnic lunch with mum and grace then a roast dinner with dad, grace, dad's girlfriend and her daughter.
Overall a nice day, except it's all been overshadowed by having to get up and go to work at 8am tomorrow :(
Downloaded some Johnny Cash today haha
And also Repo: The Genetic Opera.

So I found out today that a friend from my old school has cancer.
I hope he'll be okay...

I am in love

With this sexy, sexy man:



I was chatting with a friend about True Blood and have come to the conclusion that if Hayden Christensen had the accent of Franklin, he'd be absolutely perfect.

<---Franklin

But anyways, imagine the sheer beauty of children between these two:

+

Oh my god, I mean, seriously!


Just another Scarlett picture to prove my point.

I now know what people must feel when they feel the need to say 'fml'.
I went bra shopping today, I've gone up a whole fucking cupsize.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?!
I've gotten so fat :'(
12D to a 12DD, I hate them, stupid lumps of fat >:(

Ah well, on the bright (but slightly scarey) side, my friends parents gave me a bike and a helmet as a combined birthday/christmas present.
It is a very nice bike, it's green.
See, they own this bike shop and they're very good friends of ours :D
So now I need to practice bike riding again so that I can ride it to work
This means...EXERCISE!! :D :D
Exercise=less fat=happy Laura

Just want to add that I love My Chem's new album :]
And also that my favourite past times are chillin', killin' and rollin' with General Grievous.

Me: Not much man, just chillin' killin'

Yeah, my favourite past times

Annie: lol but what about rolling?

Me: That one is so obvious I don't even need to include it

Annie: hahaha

Me: I wonder what General Grievous is up to at the moment...

Annie: he died remember lol

Me: Oh yeah...damn it

Annie: hahaha

a better posed question would be i wonder what general Grievous would be up to if he were still alive

Me: He'd probs be rolling

That bastard

Annie: God damn i wish i was rolling


Blow a kiss at the methane skies
See the rust through your playground eyes
We’re all in love tonight.

Leave the dream where the fallout lies
Watch it grow where the tear stain dries
To keep you safe tonight

He burns
My skin
Never mind about the shape I’m in
I’ll keep you safe tonight yeah

Your words are like teeth, they eat me alive.

I really suck at giving advice.
I have all these grand opinions and things that I want to say but when I try to voice them or write them down they sound so lame and not at all like what I had tried to say.
Also, my thought process seems to be very different from other peoples.
I tell people how I'd deal with things and they just think I'm retarded.
They're all like 'yeah Laura, that might work for you but we all know that your feelings are messed up'
Well gee thanks guys, you're all just jealous cause I have ways that I can deal with my problems, unlike all of you I don't want to wallow in pain and self-pity.

Want to see the best advice I've ever given?
'Being in control is fun. If she has no opinion then embrace your role as master.
Either that or tell her to man the fuck up then slap her one'

You have qualified for the VCE

Your 2010 ATAR is: 80.10

Art

• GA 1: C+
• GA 2: B+
• GA 3: C+
• Study Score: 29

Biology

• GA 1: B+
• GA 2: A
• GA 3: B+
• Study Score: 35

Chemistry

• GA 1: C+
• GA 2: B+
• GA 3: B
• Study Score: 30

Literature

• GA 1: B+
• GA 2: B+
• GA 3: C
• Study Score: 27

Further Mathematics

• GA 1: A+
• GA 2: A+
• GA 3: A+
• Study Score: 41

I would currently kill for this:

Books

I want books for christmas as I can't think of anything else that I could possibly want.

• Paper Towns - John Green
• Looking For Alaska - John Green
• Will Grayson, Will Grayson - John Green
• An Abundance of Katherines - John Green
• Liar - Justine Larbalestier
  

To be continued.
P.S. I'd appreciate some ideas :]

Life Rambles Of Unimportance

Life is looking up again, for a moment there I was like 'Shit, now what do I do?', but it's all good, I again have purpose.
a) I have a job
b) I have a challenge >:]
I will totally ace my job and I will achieve my goal or so help me god, I will end life as we know it on this planet.
I've moved to my dad's house, not the nicest of places but I'll make it nicer, another job to keep me occupied. He's got a couple of weeks off work though, which makes it harder for me to clean...
On the upside, I'm buying new bathers on Thursday and then going to Port Fairy on the weekend.
I want bather bottoms with a skirt on them and I'd been looking for ages and then I found some.

'See you are a total tease :p Who else would tell a guy they plan to get with a girl?'
Ah Mr Kelly, I do enjoy teasing you, my friend.
And he wants me to share; not likely! He has his own girlfriend.
Greedy bastard.
But seriously, I'm totally going to gay night in Bendigo on Friday, it's gonna be epic!

Okay, shall we look back on past events now?
Firstly, we have failed love, hooray for that!
He tells me he's not into me, I get angry instead of sad and then I stop caring.
People were all like 'Laura you're not reacting correctly to this situation'
Well fuck you guys, cause everyone is different and I reacted in my own way.
So things were good and then one day I realised I actually found him annoying and I felt a mild disgust at the mention of his name.
Now, that's not right cause we're meant to be friends
So yeah.

***UPDATE***
'Ok I'm just going to come out and say it...If you came over...God the things I would do to you...Sorry for being so blunt but I may as well just tell it to you straight...'
Hahaha, I am greatly amused.
But yeah, what can I say? I'm irresistible.
Back story to this guy: We went out for about 6 months in 2008, had a fling in 2009 and I now want him back.

Abi, if you're reading this then HI!!
I'm sorry things have been weird between us lately but I promise my feelings for you have not changed. (God, it sounds like we're in a relationship :p)
I'm just going through a rough patch, trying to figure out why I feel like I do but still wanting to appear unphased.
And essentially, for the most part, I feel like I used to, back before my emotions broke free from their confines, okay I can't concentrate anymore, this text message conversation is getting...interesting....

Things I want for my new room:

• Fairy lights
• Beanbag
• Posters
• New curtains
• New rug
  

Me: Yes. So Im just going back to how I used to be I guess, but that's cool, I can deal with that.

Him: What do you mean how you used to be? Are you going to be alright?

Me: Of course Im going to be alright, what, do you think Im going to fall apart or something cause you dont love me? Oh boo hoo, lots of people dont love me. Ill get over it.

Him: Alright. That's good to know then, hate to leave you crushed.

Me: Pfft, you dont mean that much to me

Him: I didnt? But you cried the other day..

Me: Yeah, but between then and now, I guess I stopped caring

Him: Whys that?

Me: Because I have the ability to just not care.

The Misfortune That is My Life

This post is dedicated to the lovely Abi.

Oh, there is much grief in my life
But not that emo bullshit in statuses
This grief causes real strife
Because it's caused by lettuces
Or perhaps mosquitos, not sure
But there's an itch on my foot
And it's banging down the door
(Metaphorically speaking of course)
I scratch it and it tickles
I DO NOT LIKE PICKELS!!!
Or blood cells shaped like sickels
Or people that are fickle.
This dilemma keeps me up at night
Should I scratch this mozzie bite?
Itch, tickle, itch, tickle, itch, tickle.

Oh my poetry is AMAZING :D

Famous Last Words

I have just finished reading 'Looking For Alaska' by John Green, it's one of those books that you wish you owned so you can reread it with a highlighter.
I may buy it and do just that, the quotes are incredible.
Reading it I was constantly reminded of poems by Philip Larkin that I have studied at school-- Poetry of Departures was the main one that came to mind.
For a moment I was tempted to take it to school on Monday and show Mr Carrol, but I don't think I will...

So anyway, like all good books, it has left me in this indescribable mood, I feel like I'm caught between an epiphany and depression.
I want to do something.
I want to do all those things I've been putting off but then I realise that I probably never will and that thought pushes me back down, back into submission.
I never get what I want and it's my own fault, I'm too god damn good at convincing myself not to do all those things that will make my life better in the long run.
I want to study hard, I want to exercise and achieve that desirable body, I want to be healthy, I want to get exactly where I should be in life, but mostly, I want to be in love and be loved.
Pathetic, I know, but still desirable.
I used to say I didn't believe in love, but that's bullshit, it's the only thing I've ever had to hang on to and I've spent my life trying to find it and here I am, in what I believe to be love and I'm going to fuck it up, I just know it.
And it has to come at the most freaking inconvenient time, exams, important life decisions etc and I know that it's stressful but I feel like I'm the only one reaching out.
You say all these things to me but they're only words, I have no proof, just words, words, empty words. And for all I know they don't mean a thing, you could get up and leave me tomorrow, there's nothing tying you to me; and I need that link because I don't have enough faith in myself to believe that anyone else could possibly love me...And now I'm on a depressing rant, well that's just great.

So yeah, anyway, Looking For Alaska...great book.

Now I know
That I can't make you stay
But where's your heart?
But where's your heart?
But where's your...

And I know
There's nothing I can say
To change that part
To change that part
To change...

So many
Bright lights, they cast a shadow
But can I speak?
Well is it hard understanding
I'm incomplete
A life that's so demanding
I get so weak
A love that's so demanding
I can't speak

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home

Can you see
My eyes are shining bright
'Cause I'm out here
On the other side
Of a jet black hotel mirror
And I'm so weak
Is it hard understanding
I'm incomplete
A love that's so demanding
I get weak

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home

These bright lights have always blinded me
These bright lights have always blinded me
I say

I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead

Well it's getting colder and you're getting distant
and I just keep thinking
that I never meant it to be like this
You know what comes next, so do I
You’re begging for a way to gracefully bow out
and say goodnight

It's worse than you think
On your way home you should have known
you never listen to me
I’m only complaining to keep myself busy, sweetie
I’m only complaining to keep myself busy, sweetie

I can’t say I blame you
but I wish that I could
I’m sick of writing every song about you

Don't call my name out your window, I'm leaving
I'm sick of writing every song about you

Flashback.

It's the start of 2006, I am in year 8, a few months 13.
I went to a bluelight disco with some friends (man, I was so cool back then).
They pressured me into hooking up with some random, his name was Tom, it was really terrible but I guess I enjoyed it at the time.
Afterwards, I was standing with a couple of friends outside the toilets and he comes over, saying he wants to talk to me.
He asks me if I want 'to go all the way' with him.
I say '...uhhh, no' hug him and walk away.
I was 13 for god's sake, THIRTEEN!


Random fact: The first time I had sex I got bored.
Physical intimacy in general bores me, I can only think of one occasion when I haven't been bored; I was fucking trashed at the time.

Hahaha, just a little bit of mine and Claire's creative genius.

I Never Said I'd Take This Lying Down

I am angry.
Like, seriously angry.
You do not own me, I don't have to ask your permission to live my life.
It's MINE, not yours so fuck off or I swear to god I will snap.
I am currently smashing the keyboard, this is a whole year of anger.
You are irrational, and your psych out was unjustified, hear that? It was FUCKING UNJUSTIFIED!
Oh? What's that? You're upset because I'm spending lunch with the person who I've liked this entire year instead of with you? WELL TOO FUCKING BAD!
I don't even understand why you're upset; I mean, how does that make any sense?
And then you use everything you've ever done for me against me. Do you only do nice things for me so you can use them against me when I do something that doesn't fit with your 'grand plan' for my life.
I don't want anything from you ever again, ever.
How did I get myself into this abusive relationship? I can feel that I'm losing myself and becoming another you. But I won't become that cold, heartless, clingy bitch, it is not me.
This was the last straw, I am sick of trying to please everyone, sometimes people deserve to be hurt.

This Is It; I Am Together

People keep changing
Rearranging
Everything I thought I knew
Moving places
Keeping faces
Trying to get closer to You
Foolish antics, disapproving looks
They’ll never be close to the truth
This happened all to soon

Don’t blame me
I only watched as it all fell down
And you stood there
Watching the sky crumble around you
Pick up the pieces
Put them together
Tell me you’ll never
Fall apart again

Remember the time
When I was mine
All I ever needed was me
Same old places
Changing faces
I’ve seen all I need to see
Go back to familiar scenes
Search old places for the truth
This happened all too soon

Don’t blame me
I only wanted to see you fall
Why just stand there
Acting like you never cared less
Breaking the pieces
Pulling them apart
I go back to the start
To watch it all again

Don’t blame me
I only wanted to see you fall
While you lie there
Watching your world crumble around you
Pick up the pieces
Pull them apart
I want to go back to the start
To watch it all again

It's 11pm and it's going to be a while until I get to sleep, mum has people over and they're talking really loudly and laughing stupidly.
I wonder if my teacher will care if I fall asleep during chem tomorrow..?

So anyway, I figured I'd do a bit of musing...
First topic of debate: The upcoming election.
FYI, I can't actually vote, much to my disgust, I was very annoyed that they pushed it forward.
But if I could, I would never in a million years vote Tony Abbott, he is a prat for lack of a better word.
Julia has her charms, being a woman is very much in her favour, but I can't differentiate labor policies from liberal.
So greens it would have to be, I'm liking their stance on gay marriage. I would like to know that if I ever fell in love with a woman I could marry her if I so desired.

Second topic: My health.
I have come to the conclusion that I have gained weight this year, over the road privileges are going to be the death of me, and so I must cut back.
(Haha, how long will this last?)
Long enough to save my acceptably shaped body, I hope; I can still pull of a dress quite well.

Third topic: The people I associate with.
Most are fine...Some drive me insane. I tire of people easy anyway, so if you're annoying AND a person then my tolerance is low indeed.
Remember to back off before I snap, psych out and kill everybody, because I'm finding it hard to feign interest in the things some people say.
You'd have to be pretty self obsessed to not notice the way my eyes focus on other things and they way they don't join my mouth pretending to laugh.

Oh, god.

I don't think I can be bothered listening to your crap anymore because I honestly no longer care.
And I'm trying to feel bad about this fact, but I can't.
It has been going on for far too long, I get the feeling you just drag your problems out.
I have met people going though far worse things than you who have not complained half as much.
I have been through worse than you, but you don't see me bailing up my friends just to complain and lecture them.
So seriously, you need to get the fuck over it before you have no friends left.

You're not supposed to say these things to me.

I never even considered the possibility before.

The trees are coming into leaf
Like something almost being said;
The recent buds relax and spread,
Their greenness is a kind of grief.

Is it that they are born again
And we grow old? No, they die too,
Their yearly trick of looking new
Is written down in rings of grain.

Yet still the unresting castles thresh
In fullgrown thickness every May.
Last year is dead, they seem to say,
Begin afresh, afresh, afresh.

I don't understand why people have to connect things with feelings.
Can I not just be me and do things without people thinking I feel a particular way.
I don't analyse the things I do, there is no ulterior motive, I live for the moment, for what makes me feel good.
My life is about me.

'It's not like we're together...you can screw whoever you want...'

Butterfly
Or falling leaf,
Which ought I to imitate
In my dancing?

And if she were to admit
The world weaved by her feet
Is leafless, is incomplete?
And if she abandoned it,
Broke the pivoted dace,
Set loose the audience?
Then would the moon go raving,
The moon, the anchorless
Moon go swerving
Down at the earth for a catastrophic kiss.

It doesn't matter that people don't understand; everyone lives in their own separate world, untouched by those around them until they collide, throwing each other out of orbit, disrupting the life that each is living.
There are two options, either this new course is better than the original or it's worse, there is no in between. And if it's better, then the planet continues it's orbit and life flourishes. And if it's worse, then life diminishes and the planet spends endless energy and time struggling to go back to where it started, looking back always on how things used to be, never thinking to make the future better, different.
I want to live alone in my little world, far off in another universe where I am not touched by the rays of the sun they revolve around, where I am not noticed by the planets that would revolve around me given the chance, where I can live my life orbiting a moon.

Home Is So Sad

People change themselves to fit the way others see them and instead of changing back, they fully become that new person, even after the influence has disappeared. They wither in this new form because they have no life to sustain them, they are ‘bereft of anyone to please’ but they cannot change back, what once had such promise is nothing but an empty shell, ‘a joyous shot at how things ought to be, long fallen wide’. They appear the same from the outside, but that original love has ripped out what was inside and replaced it with something else, something pathetic.

Something that is, as yet, unfinished

The words fall from her lips and lie before me on the floor, they tell me over and over again that I am a selfish person and don’t deserve the life I live. She turns her face away from me like it hurts her to look upon me; I hold back the tears that are sure to choke my eyes if I don’t closely guard my thoughts. My tears would mean nothing to her and so are not worth my time, they can be discarded like the perfectly formed leaves on autumn trees. She’s growing colder now and I feel myself reaching for that fading warmth, I know I won’t be complete again until it returns; but how can I ask for what is not freely given? I don’t want to appear ungrateful—her coldness is more than nothing.
Alone, she says, we are all alone; at first I don’t believe her words, it is such a leap of faith to believe what has not been experienced, but I understand now and I wish I didn’t. To feel so alone in a crowded room, drowning in nameless faces—they all mean nothing to me, but I can’t bear to hurt them, not a single one.
She’s laughing at me now, I am not an individual, I am not unique, I don’t stand out. And for some unknown reason she finds my despair amusing—she catches my eye, smiles, looks away. I know there is only one person she takes notice of and it’s certainly not me but she can’t decide whether to confide in me or to keep her words to herself, wrapped up inside, haunting her thoughts, threatening to explode up and out into this real world.
There is always someone that keeps us anchored to this life, however unimportant they may seem.
This time I laugh at her, she is so naive, she doesn't understand what it means to feel.
This is all a foreign concept to her and she is drowning, throwing her arms in the air, she fights for breath but I will save her; I save them all in the end.

Oh.

There are so many things I could say to you if I had the words
But then again, I may say nothing at all
I quite enjoy just sitting and watching your face as you talk at me
I went without it for so long, I don't think I could do that again
So yes, I may say nothing
Ill just go on laughing with you, screaming at you
Acting as though I couldnt care less


And god damn I talk a lot of shit.

Over and out

In My Head

Your defenses were on high
Your walls built deep inside
Yeah I'm a selfish bastard
But at least I'm not alone
My intentions never change
What I wanted stays the same
And I know what I should do
it's time to set myself on fire
Was it a dream?
Was it a dream?
Is this the only evidence that proves it
A photograph of you and I ... in love...

-------------------------------------------------

Today was pretty much perfect; well the end of it anyway.
It's like the best parts of this past 7 or 8 months are repeating themselves.
Things are fixed and I am happy.




LOL.
Random picture.

'Those whom the Gods love die young'

You are obviously not interested.
But I guess I'll never know.
I am way too good for you
Or so I keep saying
But you are a truly good person
And me--not so much
Im one of those people that's only in it for themselves
It's not that I dont care, I just care about me more
Oh, Laura, that was horrible.
But everyone is the same; I am not ashamed.

Here we go again

One word to describe myself? Constant.
Constantly pathetic.
Pathetically constant.

Does it mean anything?
This...desire.
This feelingless feeling?
It is the knowledge of the feeling that I experience
So does that make it any less real?
Or am I talking myself into it, wanting to feel something so bad that I fabricate the evidence?
I dont know, I dont think I ever did...

Everybody dies alone.

I am an animal

I really shouldn't try to care about things that mean little to me, it only makes me a weaker person in the end.
Because I have to give up, I hate myself for it, but I do it never the less.
And my friend will be so disappointed and I shouldn't let that get me down, but it does.
I'm too afraid to tell her so I can only hope that she will read this.

Sure, I care about animal cruelty, but if an animal hasn't been treated badly then I can eat it if I damn well please.
I am just another animal, I have my place in the food chain, I'm not going to pretend that I am above everything else, there would be lots of things happy to eat me given the chance.
It's quite pretentious isn't it? Vegetarianism.
It's kind of like religion
A get out of jail free card
'Oh, it doesn't matter if I do this because I'm a vegetarian/christian/Muslim etc'
I sure am feeling spiteful today and I apologise for that

Some of my friends were talking about Christianity at lunch the other day, so I got up and left.
I don't want to hear their opinions on the corruption of the catholic church, I don't want to hear their opinions on anything 'deep and meaningful', it means shit all to me.
Their words are shallow, I can tell they don't mean what they say, they just want to sound intellectual.

I have talents!

I have a talent for making things complicated, in my own mind, that should have stayed really simple.
All these different thoughts and insecurities are up there whirring around, bumping into things and turning my thoughts and feelings to chaos.
I over-analyse small things and turn them in ground shattering problems; I never used to do this, what has changed?
Is it because I have gotten older? And so therefore 'more mature', if anything I have gotten less so. I used to react to situations in an unfeeling manner. I want that aloofness back, it sheltered me for years. And now, here I am, in the real world, dealing with real feelings that Im not even sure Im feeling. Perhaps I am projecting them onto myself after seeing everyone else suffer from them. So, how would I know they are real? Simple. Anything is more real than nothing, pure emptiness.
But somehow I miss it and it's too late for me to go back, I have come too far.
I have a feeling that if I did go back, I'd do it all again in the exact same way, I'd be a waste of a miracle.

'The List'

This shall be my all holy list of commandments.

1. Get into Forensic Science at Deakin
2. Pass chemistry
3. Lose some weight. I want to weigh 55kg
-Coke and chips once a week at the max
-Cut down on potato chips
-Regular excercise!
3. 'Thou shalt love Abi everyday'
4. Get in the 40s for biology
5. Have a good relationship in 2010 - I really want this one
6. Save enough money to travel to England with Annie
7. Give up eating chicken so I can be a real vegetarian
8. Get an 85 enter score
9. Live on campus at Deakin Uni

A little late

And so this is the first post of the year.
I quite enjoyed going through all my previous posts
They were quite interesting and irrelevant.
I don't know why I bothered to write them in the first place
Perhaps a need to preserve my year 11 self?
Ha! I would like to forget her
She means nothing to me!

I've been going through things I've written on my gaia account that I haven't been on in over a year.
It's quite amusing, I wrote some kind of poem that was meant to be a song but was never finished.
I've done a lot of that over the years
Im not very good at finishing the things I've started xD

My current song lyrics obsession is Red Flag by The Getaway Plan

'Have you ever felt
Felt so flexible?
Like elastic we bend and like snowflakes we fall
If we can't find the door
How will we end this motion?

Have you ever seen
Such a perfect scene
They're all trying so hard just to say what they mean
And watching them fail is like watching an execution'

I think it's amazing :D

Okay, now, Im pretty sure Im just rambling D:
But it's okay, Im writing this for myself anyway
One day I will look back on this and Ill be like 'I remember that day, sitting at dad's house, in my new dress, on easter. It was a good day, if not slightly awkward because dad's new girlfriend and her daughter (whose name happens to be Grace Laura) came over for dinner.'

And I will think to myself, why did I bother documenting this?
And I will not be able to answer.
Just like tonight
Just like every night