Famous Last Words

I have just finished reading 'Looking For Alaska' by John Green, it's one of those books that you wish you owned so you can reread it with a highlighter.
I may buy it and do just that, the quotes are incredible.
Reading it I was constantly reminded of poems by Philip Larkin that I have studied at school-- Poetry of Departures was the main one that came to mind.
For a moment I was tempted to take it to school on Monday and show Mr Carrol, but I don't think I will...

So anyway, like all good books, it has left me in this indescribable mood, I feel like I'm caught between an epiphany and depression.
I want to do something.
I want to do all those things I've been putting off but then I realise that I probably never will and that thought pushes me back down, back into submission.
I never get what I want and it's my own fault, I'm too god damn good at convincing myself not to do all those things that will make my life better in the long run.
I want to study hard, I want to exercise and achieve that desirable body, I want to be healthy, I want to get exactly where I should be in life, but mostly, I want to be in love and be loved.
Pathetic, I know, but still desirable.
I used to say I didn't believe in love, but that's bullshit, it's the only thing I've ever had to hang on to and I've spent my life trying to find it and here I am, in what I believe to be love and I'm going to fuck it up, I just know it.
And it has to come at the most freaking inconvenient time, exams, important life decisions etc and I know that it's stressful but I feel like I'm the only one reaching out.
You say all these things to me but they're only words, I have no proof, just words, words, empty words. And for all I know they don't mean a thing, you could get up and leave me tomorrow, there's nothing tying you to me; and I need that link because I don't have enough faith in myself to believe that anyone else could possibly love me...And now I'm on a depressing rant, well that's just great.

So yeah, anyway, Looking For Alaska...great book.

Now I know
That I can't make you stay
But where's your heart?
But where's your heart?
But where's your...

And I know
There's nothing I can say
To change that part
To change that part
To change...

So many
Bright lights, they cast a shadow
But can I speak?
Well is it hard understanding
I'm incomplete
A life that's so demanding
I get so weak
A love that's so demanding
I can't speak

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home

Can you see
My eyes are shining bright
'Cause I'm out here
On the other side
Of a jet black hotel mirror
And I'm so weak
Is it hard understanding
I'm incomplete
A love that's so demanding
I get weak

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home

These bright lights have always blinded me
These bright lights have always blinded me
I say

I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead