The Misfortune That is My Life

This post is dedicated to the lovely Abi.

Oh, there is much grief in my life
But not that emo bullshit in statuses
This grief causes real strife
Because it's caused by lettuces
Or perhaps mosquitos, not sure
But there's an itch on my foot
And it's banging down the door
(Metaphorically speaking of course)
I scratch it and it tickles
I DO NOT LIKE PICKELS!!!
Or blood cells shaped like sickels
Or people that are fickle.
This dilemma keeps me up at night
Should I scratch this mozzie bite?
Itch, tickle, itch, tickle, itch, tickle.

Oh my poetry is AMAZING :D

Famous Last Words

I have just finished reading 'Looking For Alaska' by John Green, it's one of those books that you wish you owned so you can reread it with a highlighter.
I may buy it and do just that, the quotes are incredible.
Reading it I was constantly reminded of poems by Philip Larkin that I have studied at school-- Poetry of Departures was the main one that came to mind.
For a moment I was tempted to take it to school on Monday and show Mr Carrol, but I don't think I will...

So anyway, like all good books, it has left me in this indescribable mood, I feel like I'm caught between an epiphany and depression.
I want to do something.
I want to do all those things I've been putting off but then I realise that I probably never will and that thought pushes me back down, back into submission.
I never get what I want and it's my own fault, I'm too god damn good at convincing myself not to do all those things that will make my life better in the long run.
I want to study hard, I want to exercise and achieve that desirable body, I want to be healthy, I want to get exactly where I should be in life, but mostly, I want to be in love and be loved.
Pathetic, I know, but still desirable.
I used to say I didn't believe in love, but that's bullshit, it's the only thing I've ever had to hang on to and I've spent my life trying to find it and here I am, in what I believe to be love and I'm going to fuck it up, I just know it.
And it has to come at the most freaking inconvenient time, exams, important life decisions etc and I know that it's stressful but I feel like I'm the only one reaching out.
You say all these things to me but they're only words, I have no proof, just words, words, empty words. And for all I know they don't mean a thing, you could get up and leave me tomorrow, there's nothing tying you to me; and I need that link because I don't have enough faith in myself to believe that anyone else could possibly love me...And now I'm on a depressing rant, well that's just great.

So yeah, anyway, Looking For Alaska...great book.

Now I know
That I can't make you stay
But where's your heart?
But where's your heart?
But where's your...

And I know
There's nothing I can say
To change that part
To change that part
To change...

So many
Bright lights, they cast a shadow
But can I speak?
Well is it hard understanding
I'm incomplete
A life that's so demanding
I get so weak
A love that's so demanding
I can't speak

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home

Can you see
My eyes are shining bright
'Cause I'm out here
On the other side
Of a jet black hotel mirror
And I'm so weak
Is it hard understanding
I'm incomplete
A love that's so demanding
I get weak

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home

These bright lights have always blinded me
These bright lights have always blinded me
I say

I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead

Well it's getting colder and you're getting distant
and I just keep thinking
that I never meant it to be like this
You know what comes next, so do I
You’re begging for a way to gracefully bow out
and say goodnight

It's worse than you think
On your way home you should have known
you never listen to me
I’m only complaining to keep myself busy, sweetie
I’m only complaining to keep myself busy, sweetie

I can’t say I blame you
but I wish that I could
I’m sick of writing every song about you

Don't call my name out your window, I'm leaving
I'm sick of writing every song about you

Flashback.

It's the start of 2006, I am in year 8, a few months 13.
I went to a bluelight disco with some friends (man, I was so cool back then).
They pressured me into hooking up with some random, his name was Tom, it was really terrible but I guess I enjoyed it at the time.
Afterwards, I was standing with a couple of friends outside the toilets and he comes over, saying he wants to talk to me.
He asks me if I want 'to go all the way' with him.
I say '...uhhh, no' hug him and walk away.
I was 13 for god's sake, THIRTEEN!


Random fact: The first time I had sex I got bored.
Physical intimacy in general bores me, I can only think of one occasion when I haven't been bored; I was fucking trashed at the time.

Hahaha, just a little bit of mine and Claire's creative genius.

I Never Said I'd Take This Lying Down

I am angry.
Like, seriously angry.
You do not own me, I don't have to ask your permission to live my life.
It's MINE, not yours so fuck off or I swear to god I will snap.
I am currently smashing the keyboard, this is a whole year of anger.
You are irrational, and your psych out was unjustified, hear that? It was FUCKING UNJUSTIFIED!
Oh? What's that? You're upset because I'm spending lunch with the person who I've liked this entire year instead of with you? WELL TOO FUCKING BAD!
I don't even understand why you're upset; I mean, how does that make any sense?
And then you use everything you've ever done for me against me. Do you only do nice things for me so you can use them against me when I do something that doesn't fit with your 'grand plan' for my life.
I don't want anything from you ever again, ever.
How did I get myself into this abusive relationship? I can feel that I'm losing myself and becoming another you. But I won't become that cold, heartless, clingy bitch, it is not me.
This was the last straw, I am sick of trying to please everyone, sometimes people deserve to be hurt.