Something that is, as yet, unfinished

The words fall from her lips and lie before me on the floor, they tell me over and over again that I am a selfish person and don’t deserve the life I live. She turns her face away from me like it hurts her to look upon me; I hold back the tears that are sure to choke my eyes if I don’t closely guard my thoughts. My tears would mean nothing to her and so are not worth my time, they can be discarded like the perfectly formed leaves on autumn trees. She’s growing colder now and I feel myself reaching for that fading warmth, I know I won’t be complete again until it returns; but how can I ask for what is not freely given? I don’t want to appear ungrateful—her coldness is more than nothing.
Alone, she says, we are all alone; at first I don’t believe her words, it is such a leap of faith to believe what has not been experienced, but I understand now and I wish I didn’t. To feel so alone in a crowded room, drowning in nameless faces—they all mean nothing to me, but I can’t bear to hurt them, not a single one.
She’s laughing at me now, I am not an individual, I am not unique, I don’t stand out. And for some unknown reason she finds my despair amusing—she catches my eye, smiles, looks away. I know there is only one person she takes notice of and it’s certainly not me but she can’t decide whether to confide in me or to keep her words to herself, wrapped up inside, haunting her thoughts, threatening to explode up and out into this real world.
There is always someone that keeps us anchored to this life, however unimportant they may seem.
This time I laugh at her, she is so naive, she doesn't understand what it means to feel.
This is all a foreign concept to her and she is drowning, throwing her arms in the air, she fights for breath but I will save her; I save them all in the end.

Oh.

There are so many things I could say to you if I had the words
But then again, I may say nothing at all
I quite enjoy just sitting and watching your face as you talk at me
I went without it for so long, I don't think I could do that again
So yes, I may say nothing
Ill just go on laughing with you, screaming at you
Acting as though I couldnt care less


And god damn I talk a lot of shit.

Over and out

In My Head

Your defenses were on high
Your walls built deep inside
Yeah I'm a selfish bastard
But at least I'm not alone
My intentions never change
What I wanted stays the same
And I know what I should do
it's time to set myself on fire
Was it a dream?
Was it a dream?
Is this the only evidence that proves it
A photograph of you and I ... in love...

-------------------------------------------------

Today was pretty much perfect; well the end of it anyway.
It's like the best parts of this past 7 or 8 months are repeating themselves.
Things are fixed and I am happy.




LOL.
Random picture.

'Those whom the Gods love die young'

You are obviously not interested.
But I guess I'll never know.
I am way too good for you
Or so I keep saying
But you are a truly good person
And me--not so much
Im one of those people that's only in it for themselves
It's not that I dont care, I just care about me more
Oh, Laura, that was horrible.
But everyone is the same; I am not ashamed.

Here we go again

One word to describe myself? Constant.
Constantly pathetic.
Pathetically constant.

Does it mean anything?
This...desire.
This feelingless feeling?
It is the knowledge of the feeling that I experience
So does that make it any less real?
Or am I talking myself into it, wanting to feel something so bad that I fabricate the evidence?
I dont know, I dont think I ever did...

Everybody dies alone.

I am an animal

I really shouldn't try to care about things that mean little to me, it only makes me a weaker person in the end.
Because I have to give up, I hate myself for it, but I do it never the less.
And my friend will be so disappointed and I shouldn't let that get me down, but it does.
I'm too afraid to tell her so I can only hope that she will read this.

Sure, I care about animal cruelty, but if an animal hasn't been treated badly then I can eat it if I damn well please.
I am just another animal, I have my place in the food chain, I'm not going to pretend that I am above everything else, there would be lots of things happy to eat me given the chance.
It's quite pretentious isn't it? Vegetarianism.
It's kind of like religion
A get out of jail free card
'Oh, it doesn't matter if I do this because I'm a vegetarian/christian/Muslim etc'
I sure am feeling spiteful today and I apologise for that

Some of my friends were talking about Christianity at lunch the other day, so I got up and left.
I don't want to hear their opinions on the corruption of the catholic church, I don't want to hear their opinions on anything 'deep and meaningful', it means shit all to me.
Their words are shallow, I can tell they don't mean what they say, they just want to sound intellectual.

I have talents!

I have a talent for making things complicated, in my own mind, that should have stayed really simple.
All these different thoughts and insecurities are up there whirring around, bumping into things and turning my thoughts and feelings to chaos.
I over-analyse small things and turn them in ground shattering problems; I never used to do this, what has changed?
Is it because I have gotten older? And so therefore 'more mature', if anything I have gotten less so. I used to react to situations in an unfeeling manner. I want that aloofness back, it sheltered me for years. And now, here I am, in the real world, dealing with real feelings that Im not even sure Im feeling. Perhaps I am projecting them onto myself after seeing everyone else suffer from them. So, how would I know they are real? Simple. Anything is more real than nothing, pure emptiness.
But somehow I miss it and it's too late for me to go back, I have come too far.
I have a feeling that if I did go back, I'd do it all again in the exact same way, I'd be a waste of a miracle.