In My Head

Your defenses were on high
Your walls built deep inside
Yeah I'm a selfish bastard
But at least I'm not alone
My intentions never change
What I wanted stays the same
And I know what I should do
it's time to set myself on fire
Was it a dream?
Was it a dream?
Is this the only evidence that proves it
A photograph of you and I ... in love...

-------------------------------------------------

Today was pretty much perfect; well the end of it anyway.
It's like the best parts of this past 7 or 8 months are repeating themselves.
Things are fixed and I am happy.




LOL.
Random picture.

'Those whom the Gods love die young'

You are obviously not interested.
But I guess I'll never know.
I am way too good for you
Or so I keep saying
But you are a truly good person
And me--not so much
Im one of those people that's only in it for themselves
It's not that I dont care, I just care about me more
Oh, Laura, that was horrible.
But everyone is the same; I am not ashamed.

Here we go again

One word to describe myself? Constant.
Constantly pathetic.
Pathetically constant.

Does it mean anything?
This...desire.
This feelingless feeling?
It is the knowledge of the feeling that I experience
So does that make it any less real?
Or am I talking myself into it, wanting to feel something so bad that I fabricate the evidence?
I dont know, I dont think I ever did...

Everybody dies alone.

I am an animal

I really shouldn't try to care about things that mean little to me, it only makes me a weaker person in the end.
Because I have to give up, I hate myself for it, but I do it never the less.
And my friend will be so disappointed and I shouldn't let that get me down, but it does.
I'm too afraid to tell her so I can only hope that she will read this.

Sure, I care about animal cruelty, but if an animal hasn't been treated badly then I can eat it if I damn well please.
I am just another animal, I have my place in the food chain, I'm not going to pretend that I am above everything else, there would be lots of things happy to eat me given the chance.
It's quite pretentious isn't it? Vegetarianism.
It's kind of like religion
A get out of jail free card
'Oh, it doesn't matter if I do this because I'm a vegetarian/christian/Muslim etc'
I sure am feeling spiteful today and I apologise for that

Some of my friends were talking about Christianity at lunch the other day, so I got up and left.
I don't want to hear their opinions on the corruption of the catholic church, I don't want to hear their opinions on anything 'deep and meaningful', it means shit all to me.
Their words are shallow, I can tell they don't mean what they say, they just want to sound intellectual.

I have talents!

I have a talent for making things complicated, in my own mind, that should have stayed really simple.
All these different thoughts and insecurities are up there whirring around, bumping into things and turning my thoughts and feelings to chaos.
I over-analyse small things and turn them in ground shattering problems; I never used to do this, what has changed?
Is it because I have gotten older? And so therefore 'more mature', if anything I have gotten less so. I used to react to situations in an unfeeling manner. I want that aloofness back, it sheltered me for years. And now, here I am, in the real world, dealing with real feelings that Im not even sure Im feeling. Perhaps I am projecting them onto myself after seeing everyone else suffer from them. So, how would I know they are real? Simple. Anything is more real than nothing, pure emptiness.
But somehow I miss it and it's too late for me to go back, I have come too far.
I have a feeling that if I did go back, I'd do it all again in the exact same way, I'd be a waste of a miracle.

'The List'

This shall be my all holy list of commandments.

1. Get into Forensic Science at Deakin
2. Pass chemistry
3. Lose some weight. I want to weigh 55kg
-Coke and chips once a week at the max
-Cut down on potato chips
-Regular excercise!
3. 'Thou shalt love Abi everyday'
4. Get in the 40s for biology
5. Have a good relationship in 2010 - I really want this one
6. Save enough money to travel to England with Annie
7. Give up eating chicken so I can be a real vegetarian
8. Get an 85 enter score
9. Live on campus at Deakin Uni

A little late

And so this is the first post of the year.
I quite enjoyed going through all my previous posts
They were quite interesting and irrelevant.
I don't know why I bothered to write them in the first place
Perhaps a need to preserve my year 11 self?
Ha! I would like to forget her
She means nothing to me!

I've been going through things I've written on my gaia account that I haven't been on in over a year.
It's quite amusing, I wrote some kind of poem that was meant to be a song but was never finished.
I've done a lot of that over the years
Im not very good at finishing the things I've started xD

My current song lyrics obsession is Red Flag by The Getaway Plan

'Have you ever felt
Felt so flexible?
Like elastic we bend and like snowflakes we fall
If we can't find the door
How will we end this motion?

Have you ever seen
Such a perfect scene
They're all trying so hard just to say what they mean
And watching them fail is like watching an execution'

I think it's amazing :D

Okay, now, Im pretty sure Im just rambling D:
But it's okay, Im writing this for myself anyway
One day I will look back on this and Ill be like 'I remember that day, sitting at dad's house, in my new dress, on easter. It was a good day, if not slightly awkward because dad's new girlfriend and her daughter (whose name happens to be Grace Laura) came over for dinner.'

And I will think to myself, why did I bother documenting this?
And I will not be able to answer.
Just like tonight
Just like every night